SEVEN: FREEDOM THROUGH ANXIETY

Our city, Kelowna, rests on either side of ‌Okanagan Lake, connected by the longest floating bridge in Canada. About 50,000 cars pass over this bridge every day. Nobody parks on it. It is a way to get from one side to the other. Anxiety is like that. A way to get from who I am to who God wants me to be.

Some months ago, my husband, Don, began experiencing pain in his lower back and leg. For a while, massage therapy and stretching exercises mitigated the pain. But after a four-day road trip by car, the pain intensified, and we added a chiropractor and physiotherapist to the retinue. Improvement was meager, so Don had an M.R.I. done. The results revealed spinal stenosis caused by arthritis in the lower lumbar region. In addition, a nasty synovial cyst has grown on his spine, causing all kinds of discomfort. Our neurosurgeon has recommended surgery. 

Over nearly 40 years of marriage, we have enjoyed an active, adventurous life in Asia and North America, biking and hiking in the great outdoors. Not so much now. Now, we make plans according to how far Don can walk or stand. We scout out the closest parking spaces and plan events around seating options. We postponed our flight to visit our granddaughter in Nebraska—too much walking is required in airports. A planned trip to visit Israel is also out of the question. 

As the new normal dawned on me, I drove onto the bridge of anxiety. Wait. We are the energetic, outdoorsy couple. The healthy seniors. Who are we now? Just old? What if Don doesn’t get better? What about our retirement travel plans? Will I ever get my walking partner, my dancing partner back? Are we doomed to be house-bound (dramatic, I know), stuck in a small, boring existence? 

As I petered across the bridge in the slow lane, resentment jumped on board. I’m tired of caregiving, Don wincing in pain, endless medical appointments, losing freedom, and the crimp in our social lives. My pettiness was on full display.

Somewhere in the crowded bridge traffic, I called out to God. 

Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 NASB

Like a child with an irreparably broken toy, I dumped the whole mess into God’s lap with a clatter. “Here. I’m broken. Put me back together.” I put on my signal light and moved into the middle lane, picking up speed a bit.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6 NASB

Looking in the rearview mirror, I thanked God for our years of good health, physical strength, and pain-free living. God, you are so good. 

Tightening my grip on the steering wheel, I graduated to the fast lane and asked God for relief, for wisdom, for people to help us, for a right heart. 

The words “in sickness and in health” flashed across my mind, so I confessed my ugly, selfish attitude towards my husband and decided to love him. Somewhere, as I rubbed my husband's sore muscles, did extra chores, waited for him, hugged and kissed him more. Somewhere, as he pushed himself beyond his comfort level to make me happy, we fell in love again. But more deeply.

God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time. 1 Peter 5: 5-6 NASB.

As we wait for a surgery date, fearsome thoughts batter against my wall of faith. Quick, creative, irrational fears. No surgery is a guaranteed success. There are always risks. What if his condition worsens? What if…?

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, 

Your consolations delight my soul. Psalm 94:19 NASB

Thousands of years before psychologists coined the term “anxiety attack”, the psalmist described out-of-control thoughts that dog-pile on top of each other in your mind. 

In the 80s, in Pakistan, Christian workers had few options. When loneliness threatened to swallow you whole, when a sin habit had all but overcome you, when a friend had broken your heart, and when the work was slow and discouraging, we had two options. Buy a return ticket home or follow God across the bridge of our anxieties to freedom. 

I thought then that worrying was shameful, a condition to hide, proof of failure. Now I know my anxieties were invitations to grow, tickets to the other side of my vast immaturity. Blinking red lights, telling me something needed attention. 

Drivers can avoid going over the Okanagan Bridge. They have options, exits on either side. They never experience the other side of the lake, but that’s the trade-off. Similarly, I can avoid my anxiety, dull the pain with busyness, shopping, friends, leisure, or substance abuse. But they are exit ramps that prevent me from experiencing the other side of anxiety. Maturity.

On those many bridges in Pakistan, I learned to run like a crazy woman to the promises of God. To wait for Him to teach me. I’m so glad there were no viable options, no exit ramps. 

My soul waits in silence for God only;

From Him is my salvation.

He only is my rock and salvation, 

My stronghold; 

I shall not be greatly shaken.

Psalm 62:1-2 NASB

At 70, crossing the bridge of my anxieties with God again, I am gaining crucial perspective. The inordinate value I place on my image, my warped ideas about weakness and growing old, the shallowness of my love. 

What if I had taken alternate routes and failed to cross this bridge of anxiety with God? I would have failed to shed more of my ugly immaturity. I wouldn’t love my husband quite the way I do today. I wouldn’t know that God is enough for this.

I wouldn’t know the fellowship of His sufferings.

That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;

Philippians 3:10 NASB

Jesus knows all about anxiety. Before His capture by Roman authorities, in the Garden of Gethsemane, He wrestled on the bridge between saving His life and losing it. Between the Father’s will and His own. His was the ultimate testimony of persevering through anxiety and fear into the freedom of doing the will of the Father. 

In a minuscule way, whenever I cross the bridge of my anxiety, trusting in the promises of my Father, I too can know this freedom.

Do not be worried about your life…But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:25, 33 NASB.